6 Tips on Surviving Stillbirth as a Couple and Prevent Marriage Meltdown

You hear those 7 dreaded words, “I’m sorry, I can’t find the heartbeat”.

At that moment, your future is shattered and you don’t know if surviving stillbirth is even possible.

As you are thinking of surviving stillbirth, it is crucial to know that dealing with stillborn loss or resurrecting marriage after a stillbirth, takes time and patience.

Your pain may be raw and unimaginable as you wonder, how do I survive this?

If you deliver your baby in a hospital trained to support you, you may receive a memory box filled with special items to remember your baby filled with pictures, jewelry and poems and cards from the nurses who cared for you.

After spending months preparing for your new baby, you now prepare for a funeral.

You might feel lost and unsure of how to be with your partner as you start this new chapter of life. Stillbirths account for about 1% of all births, which seem so unlikely until it happens to you.

Also, watch this video on how a couple supported each other to keep their marriage together after being devastated with a stillbirth:

Below are 5 tips to facilitate surviving stillbirth, the first few months after losing your baby.

1. Mourn separately and together

Sometimes we have this idea that we should feel and express our feelings in the same way as our loved ones. We might even get mad if our partner doesn’t seem to be as affected as us.

After a loss, many partners take turns cycling in and out of the different stages of grief so we often mourn in different ways.

Allow yourself to express your feelings in a way that feels right for you.

Share this with your partner and ask your partner how they are mourning or would like to mourn.

Remember, it is common for couples grieving after stillbirth, to face relationship breakdown after the baby dies, leaving couples disoriented and feeling like the grieving will never end.

For surviving stillbirth, it’s ok to go to counseling alone and together as marriage after the death of a child mars the pictured parenthood.

It will take time and unbiased, gentle expert guidance to help you understand how grief affects relationships, and make incremental progress towards surviving stillbirth as a couple.

It’s ok to feel angry and happy at the same time.

It’s ok to be walking down this path together and separately at the same time.

Your feelings and grief are not linear. Be patient with yourself and with your partner. Trust that you can stay connected and grieve separately at the same time as you take small steps towards surviving stillbirth.

2. Exercise

Trying to get out of bed to exercise each day might seem impossible when you are coping with the loss of a baby and making little headway in the direction of surviving stillbirth.

In the beginning, it is, and it is still so important to push yourself a little bit to move each day. 

Exercise is crucial because it activates the brain to begin the recovery process.

Exercise reduces inflammation, increases endorphins, and, most importantly, in the beginning, it acts as a distraction.

It allows you to focus on something other than the pain you feel in your heart.

Start with a small goal like walking for 5 or 10 minutes first thing in the morning and increase it when you are ready.

3. Check-in with your partner daily

It’s really important to continue communicating with your partner as you both heal from the loss of your child. Surviving stillbirth is hard for couples both physically and emotionally.

Setting aside some time each day to check in with one another helps you open up and ensures that you are meeting your needs while still meeting some of your partner’s needs. The check-in can be brief with a few questions to guide the conversation.

• How was it today for you?

• Is there something I can do for you?

• What was a little easier today?

• Was anything harder today?

• What can I do for you tomorrow?

If you are having a hard time doing this try setting aside a specific time each day and start with one question.

4. Maintain some part of your previous routine

During the first few days and weeks, it may be hard to do anything. You might sleep all the time or not at all. You might feel like eating everything or nothing. You might feel like it’s not worth it to get out of bed.

All of this is part of grieving and normal to experience after such a traumatic loss.

If you can get up each day and do one thing that you used to do it will help you slowly get into your new routine. This can be taking a shower, making a meal, writing a note, or texting with a friend.

At some point, as you try surviving stillbirth, you have to get up and move forward, and doing it little by little each day helps it be more bearable.

5. Find support from other parents who have lost a baby

You may have friends and family who are very supportive and helpful.

Unless they have lost a child, it is not the same support you will get from joining a group of parents who have experienced a stillbirth.

There are many different types of support groups.

Online, drop-in, and closed supports are just a few of the options available today. If you know someone who has experienced a stillbirth and reaches out when they are ready and seeks support, you must encourage them to seek counseling or support groups.

There are unique questions you might have that only a parent who has experienced a stillbirth or early infant loss will understand.

If you are unsure of where to find support for surviving stillbirth, contact your local hospital social worker or mental health organization for resources.

If either of these is not available you can search online or through different social media platforms.

6. Embrace the grief, it will ebb and flow

As you grapple with your new normal, be patient and kind with yourself and your partner.

Grief ebbs and flows differently for people.

You or your partner may feel helpless that you can’t take the pain away. The pain doesn’t ever go away completely but it does change.

Sometimes it’s big and knocks you down, seemingly out of nowhere. Other times it’s small, giving the tiniest sensation as your toes dig into the sand.

Embrace the grief and allow the feelings and thoughts to come when they are needed. Most importantly don’t apologize for anything you feel right now. Your feelings are valid.

Know that even though the pain doesn’t fully go away, you will also have moments of joy and happiness again.

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5 Steps to Overcoming Step-Parenting Challenges in Second Marriage

Steps to take before the marriage - Tips for effective step-parenting

Second marriages can be filled with excitement and bliss about the start of your new family. When joining two families it is very important to have a conversation about each parent’s roles and expectations before you move in together. For example, whose responsibility is it to parent each child, should each person parent their own children? In theory, this sounds like a great plan, however, this approach rarely works. Can you sit back and watch a child run into traffic? We are human and have difficulty not getting involved when we see someone we care about getting upset.

Having these types of conversations about your parenting plan and setting boundaries can help reduce conflict and give you a map to follow in the future.

Start planning for the big day

Before living together talk openly about your parenting philosophies. How do you parent your child? What is acceptable behavior from a child? How do you reinforce appropriate behavior and punish inappropriate behavior? What routines do you already have established? For example, some parents are ok with TV in the child’s bedroom while others are not. If you move in together and only one child is allowed TV it can lead to resentment and anger.

Think about your child’s routine, living environment, and some different worst-case scenarios, and then explore how you can work through them together. If you plan and assign the roles and responsibilities to each member in the home, even parents who have very different parenting styles can co-parent effectively.

Establish healthy routines early

Set up some healthy habits for communications. Plan some time each week that you can sit down as a family and talk about what is going well, and what might need to be tweaked. No person wants to hear what they aren’t doing well, so if you start by having a routine of eating dinner together and openly talking about your day, then your children may be more receptive to feedback in the future. If you have a child that is resentful about your new relationship, or not very talkative to begin with, try playing games at dinner.  

Put the family rules in writing and have it somewhere everyone can see them. It’s best if you can sit down with your kids and talk about how each family may have had different rules and now that you are all living together you want to establish a new set of rules with input from everyone. Ask the kids what they think is important to have in a respectful home.

Keep the rules simple and decide together on consequences for not following the rules. If everyone is involved in determining the rules and consequences you have an agreement to go back to when something is not followed.

Fill up your emotional bank account

Would you go on a major shopping spree without any money in the bank? Parenting someone else’s children without something in the bank doesn’t work. When we have a baby there are days and nights filled with cuddles, excitement about milestones and a strong attachment. We need these moments to fill up our bank account of patience and consistency. It is important that each parent has time with his or her new stepchild to build a rapport and strengthen the relationship.

Try to set aside some time each week to do something positive so that when the time comes for you to reinforce family rules, you will have a nice savings account of patience to work through the child’s reaction, and the child will feel adequately attached to you to respect the boundaries. If you find that the child is constantly ignoring you, fighting family rules, or acting out it may be a sign that the attachment between the stepparent and child needs to be further explored. Being consistent with your expectations and reactions is an important part of creating a secure attachment.

Be realistic

People do not change overnight. It will take time for everyone to adjust to the new home environment. Have you ever gone away to school or to summer camp? There were moments filled with fun and excitement, but also stress related to dealing with the new people in your life. Blending families can be the same way; filled with bliss and stress. Give everyone time and space to work through feelings and respect any feelings that may arise. For example, if your child says they hate their new stepparent allow your child to explore what is attributing to this feeling and what could help him feel better about the new relationship.

Give your child tools to express his feelings in a healthy way. For example, you can give him a special journal that can be used to draw or write in. The journal can be a safe place where anything can be expressed and your child can decide if he wants to share it with you.  If after 6 months you find that there is still more conflict than cooperation it may be helpful to talk to a professional.

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5 Non Traditional Tips for a Successful and Satisfying Marriage

When couples come to me they’ve often already sought help or tried to work things out themselves. Tired, overworked and worried, they seem to have forgotten what once brought them together. They talk about how difficult it is to prioritize their marriage. Date nights become stressors instead of a way to connect. Budgets are tight, babysitters are expensive and other obligations get in the way. A common theme is also feeling inadequate when they see blissful, “perfect” families on facebook or other social media sites. With today’s filters, social media and access to celebrities, unrealistic expectations are created that strain relationships.

The following five tips can help strengthen your relationship and don’t cost a dime.  They focus on strengthening a marriage using strategies that every person can master.

Laugh a lot

Marriages face many challenges; some small, some not so small. Being able to find humor in everyday experiences can help take the sting out of some of those times.  Recently a client was telling a story about something upsetting that happened to her child in school. She had tears in her eyes when her husband interjected a little joke.  They both began laughing and were able to see that although the problem was a concern in one environment, it would have been laughed off in another. His humor put the problem into perspective and they came together realizing that one incident did not define their child.

Be adaptable

While prioritizing your relationship with your spouse is vital, it is not always feasible.  The reality is that long-term relationships are a series of phases and events. There are times when your spouse can and should hold the top spot in your life. There are other times, however, when you both need to accept that other things are happening and need priority too. When our son was born, I was consumed with worry about how to balance the needs of my husband, son and even myself. The need to be present to my son took time away from my husband. After some time I learned that this too was just a moment. My son would not always need to come first. Instead of stressing about not being there for everyone, I learned to appreciate the time I’m able to dedicate to different areas of my life at different times. Children, extended family, jobs and friends may take priority from time to time. If you and your spouse can learn to adapt to the moment, you can survive.

Let it go

Forgiveness is a beautiful gift to give yourself and others. Arguments between couples often bring baggage from previous situations. Let the past go. Allow yourself to be free of guilt and you will find that forgiveness of others will come naturally. When couples take an inventory of their shortcomings it turns out that they often speak of their own much more than those of their partners. No one is perfect!  Everyone makes mistakes!  Let the past go and free yourself to address the present and the future.

Make small talk

Speaking with your spouse about your hopes and dreams for the future everyday can be exhausting. Rather than putting pressure on yourself to have these deep conversations all the time, focus on consistently keeping the lines of communication open in small ways. Talk about your day, what you liked and what was difficult. Express how you felt in these situations and ask your spouse similar questions. Making the habit of talking about the small things will help you when you need to have those more difficult conversations. Pick a time of day that you’re usually together and schedule a time to just talk. It will soon become second nature.

Be adventurous

It would be nice to be able to take a couple’s vacation every year. For many families, it is just not possible. You don’t have to go to some far away land to share an adventure with your partner. Try something new every year together. When I first meet with new clients I have them list some things they have never done but always wanted to try. I encourage the spouses to review their lists and pick one thing from each to do together. Some of the new adventures that have come out of this are trying new foods and languages, learning to garden or starting a workout routine that they have never done. Having the opportunity to go out of your comfort level together builds a strong bond and does not break the bank.

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WELCOME!

I am a licensed clinical social worker in Northern NJ, working with children and adults. For a long time I have wanted to blog about my experience trying to find a balance between my professional and personal life.  As a mother, professional and wife I understand that life throws challenges at us everyday. Each week I feel like my "To-Do" list gets longer and sometimes it is hard to feel successful. In 2016, I committed to simplifying my life, and trying to remain in the moment. I hope you enjoy future posts.